The comments above are all fantastic and bring the discussion I was hoping the post would produce. Each one of these women gave some insight as to what sex is like when living with chronic pain.
Mo, one of my fellow bloggers, and I am blessed to say is also my friend, made a great point in her comment to my last post, 'Let's Talk About Sex".
Mo wrote, "I love having sex with my husband. It is the only thing we share that no one else can have. It is ours, and ours alone."
Mo touches on the subject of intimacy. This is what my next post, in the subject of sex and chronic pain, was going to focus on. Another great point made was by Missy, another fellow blogger and one of my great online friends.
Missy wrote, "Not every chronic pain patient feels less pain after sex. Though during, if the body is fully engaged, yeah pain is lower. Some feel more." And: "Once my body calms down, (after sex) my pain is worse from the activity. This can last for a few hours to a few days."
Missy brings up a great point. One that hits close to home. Although the studies show pain is reduced from sex, the don't seem to follow the patient after the actual act. What happens two hours later? Or a day later? Pain that is triggered by sex and the positions asked of our bodies, can cause very high levels, for a lengthy amount of time, and this can stay in our memory bank as 'one of those things I don't want to do again because it causes a lot of pain, in both intensity and duration. Our bodies remember what caused a three-day marathon of pain!
But cut out sex completely? No way. Sex and intimacy with another human being is one of the greatest unions for us, creating a sense of well-being, our self-worth rises, our body image can go in a more positive direction, our depression lifts. But it hurts, right??
This is one of the strengths that those who live with pain, find deep inside, and 'pull it out' when needed most. I have had long-lasting pain from sex, three days later. I am finding lately (over the past 9 months) that this is another avenue for muscle strengthening. And not just Keigels. Every time I work muscles that aren't used much, or for prolonged periods of time, I find myself getting stronger and stronger. Physically. Which only serves to make having sex a more pleasurable time, when muscles are stronger, we can do more without the resounding pain following us for hours, or even for days.
TK wrote: " I figure I'm already in pain, so why avoid something so beautiful and wonderful? Some things are worth taking another pain pill and being up for several hours afterwards while you calm down the pain signals from your brain. There is a moment during sex where everything goes away, including the pain--or maybe not go away, but a distant awareness rather than a constant companion. There is only me and my partner and the flow of love."
Beautiful words, put together so nice! TK hits the nail on the head referring to the beauty of intimacy between two people. She knows what is going to happen (pain increase) she faces the issue and takes her medications, and she is in touch with herself and her body so well, that she transcends just the sex part, and moves into the beauty of intimacy. Anytime pain can be "a distant awareness rather than a constant companion", count me in!!!
Thanks to the ladies for their insightful words and kudos to each one for being honest, and sharing how they may deal with pain in their sex life. And above all else, the intimacy is what stuck out to me in each comment.
We need intimacy. We need that connection. Try to not let pain scare you away from joining with another person so deeply and beautifully. There are ways to get over that hump that may be scaring you from having sex. Maybe there was an experience when pain ruled the time together, when you felt like 'this is just not going to happen with any pleasure on my end.' And the sex stops before it even started.
FEAR. Let go of the fear, hang on to that person who wants to hold you close, let go of being frightened, having sex will not cause some horrible outcome most of the time, unless you are gettin really freaky. Even then, we may be astonished at what can be done as far as our bodies, during the deep state that we can find ourselves in, while being close to another.
The emails I received, asked to be kept private as far as the writer's names. They were all along the same lines as what most of the comments touched on.
We all need intimacy in our lives. Having pain does not need to stop us from this most beautiful experience. Keep your mind open, and TALK with your partner. Let them know what feels good, what hurts, what causes more pain than you can handle. Open communication is the KEY to any good sex life--but with chronic pain, we need to be as honest as we can be. This is not the time to keep quiet, be shy, or concerned that we will not be as attractive to our partners simply because we experience pain during sex.
We don't want to scare them wither! When the thought of causing more pain is in the mind of our partners, they can not hone in on enjoying themselves. Let them know how you feel about everything to do with sex with them.
Gentle Hugs.... Stay strong~ ~just for today~
Monday, August 8, 2011
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Thank you Shauna for talking about sex and intimacy with chronic pain! This is a topic that is very often over-looked and ignored, and its quite brave of you to bring up such an important topic!
ReplyDeleteAs a woman suffering from many different chronic pelvic pain conditions including vulvodynia and myofascial pelvic floor pain, I would like to offer some of my thoughts. You say: "But cut out sex completely? No way." But I HAVE to cut it out. The pain is unimaginable. Just one slight touch from a q-tip during a doctors exam can cause enough pain for me to black out for a bit. At risk of offering too much information, I am going to admit that I cannot even wear undergarments or pants and I pretty much live in dresses because any form of contact is unbearable.
I know that my case is a bit extreme, but research has shown that 15% of women have dispareunia (from varying causes). So there definitely is a segment of our population where sex causes or exacerbates pain in tissues and organs involved, making sex impossible. This is a problem often waved away by doctors and we are told to pretty much grit out teeth and suck it up, often delaying proper diagnosis and treatment.
While I am unable to have sex, that doesn't mean that intimacy is out the door. As wrote, intimacy is still important and we must make an effort. So I still make it a point to cuddle and hold hands with my partner. He often accompanies me to pelvic floor physical therapy. We communicate about sex and intimacy (or lack of).
You are absolutely right that sex and intimacy is an important part of our well-being and self-worth. But some people are completely unable to have sex and cannot just push pass the pain. So we have to find ways to stay intimate with our partners.
Shauna, These posts are wonderful, and even prompted a long talk with my Hubby about the subject. Sometimes you think you know what your partner feels but you can't be sure unless you talk about it. (Shaved and smooth legs??? He said he could care less!) One night recently my hip locked up in the middle of our passion...we laughed about it afterwards. It can be the most enjoyable and wonderful thing that I can share with The Joe-Man.
ReplyDeleteThanks for mentioning me in this post...I consider you a good friend too!
mo
My apologies for taking so long to reply. I'm sure you, and everyone who reads your wonderful posts understand about those days, or weeks, when even getting through the day-to-day is too much, let alone putting two sensible words together.
ReplyDeleteFirst, thank you for your kind words about my post. You made me smile and feel good! I love that you brought this subject of sex and intimacy for chronic pain people into the light.
It is sad to think of the population of chronic pain people who cannot tolerate sexual activity at all; however, I know there are many out there. And This Patient Perspective is so right--there are many other ways to be intimate and share that closeness with your partner.
I've always been of the opinion that communication is at the root of everything and particularly intimacy. The act of communication with our partners is intimacy in and of itself. And communication is not so much about talking as it is about listening and then sharing.
Someone once said to me--I have nothing to give you except my attention. And if you think about it, they are so right. And when all is said and done, what is intimacy if it is not complete attention given to the person in front of you?
Thank you, Shauna, for your insightful and inspiring posts. My day is brighter when I see your post in my mailbox!
Hi Shauna,
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed this post :-D Unfortunately there seems to be a lot of embarrassment surrounding chronic pain and sexuality/intimacy, as well as a huge stigma from society and many health care professionals alike.
It's because of the frustration I felt due to this stigma, that I started www.chronicpainandintimacy.com and want to build it up to become a great resource... All the info available that I received about chronic pain and intimacy when I was diagnosed with chronic back pain at 25yrs old, was a three page photocopied handout that included some hand drawn pictures (2009).
I have been enjoying your blog and would like to add your blogs to my blogroll if that is okay?
Warmest blessing,
Angela