My Curled Up Hand--Paralyzed Again...

It was 3 plus weeks ago. A regular morning of waking. Open eyes. Experience that few seconds or minutes to realize what day it is, what is to be taken care of, etc. Turn in bed, waiting for the pain scale of my spine, to begin counting up, up, up it goes with each moment. Of course hopefully not up into the 8's first thing in the morning. I reached for the water glass next to the bed. Then I realize this is not a normal day, (whatever that is,) it is to be the start of many very
abnormal days, separate from my back pain.


As I reach for the water, from tips of the fingers of my right, (and dominant hand), to the mid upper arm; I feel absolutely nothing.


I feel nothing.


I look to see my right hand is curled up as if I'm holding tightly onto a small treasure that I don't want to let go of. Yet nothing is in my hand. There is no treasure.


The wrist is completely dropped, with the inability to make it move. Imagine you are holding your arms straight out, and drop your hand at the wrist. Try to use the muscles to bring it up to the level equal to your arm. Easy, right? No. I can not move my hand.


I feel nothing.


After 3 weeks I still can not lift my hand to do anything, especially to bring it up to level with my arm. I have no muscle control.


I feel nothing.


I am paralyzed again in my right hand and arm. No movement. No feeling--Nothing.


Just a dead arm hanging at my side with wrist drop, and tightly curled fingers.


This has happened 2 times before, and now three, all in a 2 year period. It is terrifying, and most of all, I know that nothing can be done, but to just wait it out each day. When I saw my pain doctor, he asked me to close my eyes and try to lift my curled up hand, hanging at the wrist--up. Just move it. I felt as though I was bringing it up to be level with my arm, and then I opened my eyes. Nothing. Not a centimeter of movement. Still just a curled up hand hanging limply down at the wrist.

I have no control over the forearm muscles that are used to raise the wrist and hand up.


I felt nothing.


It has been impossible to write longhand, funny how ambidextrous I am, when I HAVE to be! Hardly readable, I thought, sure, typing will be ok!!! NOT. The shoulder strain of holding up the dead arm and hand to henpeck with one finger is tremendously painful and affects my Thoracic spinal muscles also, causing spasms even more than are already present.


As time has passed, my fingers are uncurling, tiny bit by bit, and wearing a hand brace that forces them to be straightened out helps for an hour or so at a time before that causes more pain.

I'm no longer holding as tightly onto the treasure that was never there.


*****Now, it has been a week since I wrote the above. Time to post this...and I am feeling!!


But now, it is pain I feel.


I feel. My arm feels. My hand feels. Numb to the touch, painful all the time. fingers still curled, but not as much. They are slowly opening up. I am still unable to use my hand, for SO many things, write, or type normally, (still only using my right index finger), but I just push
on. I always have. Suddenly faced with many papers to fill out, I am really putting the stress on the right hand, even when using the left one to write. This is one of the most stressful times in my life, there is SO much going on, my life is changing, and I have finally accepted what I am able and not able to do. I was pushing myself way too hard. Being unrealistic.

Stubborn. Always pushing myself. Much too hard. Physically and mentally. I'll write more about that later.


Be thankful for your working parts. We take a lot for granted, and when we lose the function in a body part, it is amazing just how much we use that hand, or those fingers, etc. How much we just use our body and expect to wake each day to the same abilities. When it changes overnight, it is a feeling that is almost indescribable, and your life changes 100%.

I am thankful I HAVE a hand and arm.


I feel!!


I just want to feel a little bit better.