Broken Backs, Strong Women

Frida Kahlo.  A woman whom I admire for her fierceness and strength, her desperation, broken back, her life in pain, and her ability to put her exact situations and deepest feelings onto canvas that spoke loudly to all that see them.   

Frida was in a terrible bus accident when the bus she was riding in was T-boned by a streetcar.  She was  16.  Her spine was fractured in multiple levels, along with breaks and fractures all over her body. The accident changed her life, and she would never be the same again.  She dealt with chronic pain for the rest of her life, and handled it the only way she knew how.  The only thing any of us can do, when our lives are changed by a traumatic physical and emotional event like an accident.

                                 'Broken Column'


This is my favorite painting by Frida.  When I first laid eyes on this, I felt immediately as if I was understood.  She understood.  She understood me-- she painted my spine!  I have said for years that it feels like my spine is crumbling, maybe a rod or some type of scaffolding could give me more stability.  Frida painted her crumbling spine.  The pain is expressed; woman, beauty, strength, vastness, endless, braced, holding on, nails of pain hit the heart, head, thoughts, desires, dreams, lost abilities, loss of trust.  Our bodies betrayed us.  Wrong place, wrong time?  Can it really be that simple?  One moment.  Life changing.

I was in a single vehicle rollover car accident.  I was 16.  The out of control van carrying many young women swayed from side to side, as the driver laughed and yelled, "There's a cat!" (hard swerve) "There's a dog!" (hard swerve the other way) until she saw too many animals and we were on 2 wheels for a moment before we began to roll.  Through a grove of trees, not hitting one.  I was blindfolded the entire time, as this was a pickup of all the girls that had just found out they made the squad for Senior year cheerleader, and the idea was for us to end up at a party to celebrate.  Obvious to say that our van's cargo, did not make it.  

I tumbled in the back of that van, like a shoe in a dryer.  Loose, on the floor, with nothing to hold me down, I freely flew while we rolled.  Me and another gal were the only ones not put in a seat.  We both had neck,  back and lower extremity problems with pain immediately.  It changed both of our lives.

Everything was put into perspective when the firemen said that if the wheelchair lift had not been on the back of the van, the doors would have flown open, ejecting both of us out the back.

The strength found in women, to go on with life after we know our bodies have been traumatized, and will not be the same from that day, amazes me.  We are the nurturers, the mothers, the lovers.  Physically, my body (spine) has betrayed me.  Is betraying me.   It just keeps breaking.  Falling apart.  It is a broken column.  

As my column crumbles, my desire to fight grows.  I have faced (and continue to face) many obstacles because of this great, broken column.  The physical--surgeries, long recoveries, years of various procedures, failed surgeries and trials, tests that show serious and continuing damage, and the pain; And the mental--exhaustion, depression, frustration, anger, while constantly working on coming to terms with a body that is never going to get better. Oh, and the pain.  Also filed under Mental obstacles.

Yet through this, the strength shines.  The desire to survive, to go on, to face challenges head-on and not flee, always wins.  (Yet how temping it is sometimes to run.)  Finding this part of yourself if you also live in pain, should not be hard.  I believe that those who face each day in pain, are some of the strongest I know.  Pain makes us want to do anything that will stop it.  Pain is an awesome foe, it carries such power.  It is here that we have no choice than to steadily grow.

Most of us in chronic pain, know that there are slim to no chances that it will ever go away.  Armed with this knowledge, we concoct our game plan.  How to fight this battle.  Every single day.  Life can be so overwhelming at times without physical pain, and to study how we keep going despite having pain, I find that living with pain bumps us up a notch.  Up to a level of emotional strength that serves to do exactly what we need in our lives.  I think it is nothing short of amazing.

Whether it is a broken back/crumbling spine, or a myriad of other pain causing issues, when there is pain along with the problem, you have experienced that level of emotional strength.  You know what I am saying here. You live it every day too.  Just as I felt touched by Frida's 'Broken Column', by a woman who also lived every day in pain, I hope that I have touched you.

For whether you know it or not, I am your greatest admirer.  




Gentle Hugs....