Me And MY Spine Leading The Blind?!

It must be an odd sight. We do make quite the picture....there’s me, limping along, with the very unstable spine of mine making any walking feel quite scary. On the end of the leash I hold is my baby; my last of the three Jack Russells I have raised and trained with love, one of them, the result of our ‘wife’ and ‘husband's’ loving efforts. They did a great job and gave us four beautiful long-tailed pure Jack Russell puppies. We had to keep one, and NO tails were docked as we got them ready for sale. Now it’s just one.

Our walks are much slower now.

I have loved them all—deep in my heart. They have all been family members, accompanying us on long drives to many various campgrounds on the beach in Mexico during vacation time; deep down South into the Baja Peninsula, always ending at a place on the ocean.
The ocean is in my heart and soul, this CA beach girl was born in a darling seaside village…..I have always been drawn to the beach; and my man loved to camp as much as I did, as did our 3 boys. The dogs were as much a part of our family as the rest of us. These trips stick in my memory and are very special to me. Anyone with dogs knows taking them camping…..or a special and beautiful front beach house...... like La Paloma…..or on the beach in tents……wherever…..oh, the campground where fresh lobster was brought to each campground and offered, caught minutes before in the crustacean-laden ocean feet away....La Paz?......no that’s not it.....La Philippe?.....hmmm…...now it is sounding French!.......howabout La Place On The Beach Deep Down In Baja Where The Lobster Fishermen work.....well anyway, no matter where you may end up; RV--Oh yes the RV trip.....Tents worked better anyway amount of dogs make the trip a bit more work, but it’s so rewarding just to watch them run free along the beach. Our boys loved every moment of the experience; camping being a favorite family affair, with the three dogs frolicking in the ocean, drawing a small crowd wherever we were; apparently the trio of Jack Russells playing in the water and so well trained to come whenever called by me, dad, or the boys, was something to watch. The Gringos-- and their dogs and kids. (Maybe the new and very little bikini may have had something to do with it—at least that was J’s very strong opinion. ;-P )

Now it is just one. 14 beautiful years with me, my last baby has become old in front of my eyes. My life has been so full of animals--dogs in particular-- and never had one live to be this old. Just as humans decline naturally with age, this baby has gone blind.

She is the mom that allowed me to help deliver her pups; while doc slept quietly, I was up, bringing new life into our bedroom. She has been a sweet, attached, and kind companion for many of the humans that have been in her life. I have showered her with love and my tears and my happiness; this dog has witnessed things that no one should have seen!! But don’t you love our fur people and their inability to vocalize much?? Although at times it is all I want in this life –is for my girl to just say what she is thinking!!!!

And now she cannot see me anymore. She cannot see anyone, anything; it is dark looking out of those eyes now….it is always “night-night” to her.

It happened seemingly in one day. I’ve seen the blue tint for years. Those big brown eyes that used to look directly into mine with pure love, are now so blue, an odd color blue that reflects a light green at times….completely covering both beautiful eyes. No more adoring, loving stares straight into my eyes, (that is the hardest and saddest to me for us both), no more perfect catching each throw of her beloved red ball tossed in the air; now not knowing where things are. It is truly some of the oddest and saddest things that I have ever seen a dog go through. Especially a very happy and inquisitive dog, who relied on sight for so much more than I ever realized until it was gone. The scrambling after a long, carefully -stalked bird; running top speed after the red ball no matter where it was thrown, this dog could scramble after anything. Now it is a good day if the “head and nose bumps” in the house are less than 10!

The red ball is quite a sentimental item that now resides hopefully in her bed, unused, and too much of a heartbreaker for me to even bounce it and let her do what she will. Which is nothing now. Oh, she hears the ball bouncing, her ears perk up, head tilted; yet she knows she can’t play with it. The same ball that her hubby would chase also, (all three of them chased it at one time), and IF hub got to it first, we all groaned, especially her, as she knew her hubby was quite protective of that ball once he got his paws on it. He wouldn’t drop it directly into your palm, as she did, for another throw and to keep the game going….but he would take his stance of laying down on the ground, paws straight out in front of him, ball neatly placed between them, and a growl that was his version of--“I am playing SO GOOD right now!”

‘Playing Good’, when it came to that red ball, was not anyone else’s idea of playing good. Or at all. Eventually we’d all give up and walk in, realizing as long as dad had it, there was no more throwing to be done. While the entire time, his wife is yelling at him, saying, “Give the darn thing to the pack leaders dude, they throw it and we BOTH get to run for it!!! In other words, LET GO OF THE DAMN BALL N-O-W!!” Her words to him never got through until all interest in getting it away from his fake growls to throw again, was gone. She was pissed. Jack Russells are very smart, yet her hubby would only abandon that ball after we’d all given up. She then would get the discarded and suddenly ignored red ball, and walk around hoping one of us would start throwing it again, and when she realized the game was over, (thanks to her hubby), she concocted a new game that would soon have us all laughing. Not having anyone to throw and her find the ball, she decided to ‘hide’ the ball herself, putting it under a puppy bed and then pulling the bed over the ball, and would then excitedly search for it. The more things to yank over the ball, the better to her. Her blankies, our laundry, anything she could find that was useful to her game; and outside she used the chair covers.

We would look outside to see a long chaise-lounge pad walking around the back yard by itself. When there were no outside goodies to use, (Chair pads, a blankie found excitedly, or the smallest pillow known to man—hell, anything that would barely cover the ball would work!) she then moved to my flower garden….hiding the ball among the flowers and then ripping them out to find it. Oh well, Sweet Alyssum does re-seed itself quite nice, and in the end I had all along the fence—a beautiful , thick, fragrant carpet of delicate white, airy, beautiful smelling flowers. Ahhhh nature. Working together with the crazy dog that is hiding her ball in the middle of the sprays of white…..Now she couldn’t find her way to the flowers if she tried. Forget adding in her fantastic self-made game with the ball.

So there we are, walking outside, me—‘The Spine’, walking carefully and feeling a bit afraid of the very unstable feeling I now have each time I stand or walk. I feel a tight band around me, about 7 Thoracic levels, it starts in the back, at the vertebral area, and deep inside the vertebral bone; wraps around to the front; and now the pain has made it all the way around to my midline, ***MIDLINE***the imaginary line running vertically, directly down the exact center of the body****giving me shocks of pain with each inspiration. ***INSPIRATION ***the act of taking a breath in, both voluntary and involuntary***On the other end of the leash I hold is—‘The Blind’. She stays so close to my footsteps now to so I can guide her around unseen stairs, or other dangerous places she can’t see; I have nearly tripped over her a few times. Seriously. Oh, what a sight we make…..

Now I am a disabled woman taking care of a completely blind dog. Hmmm. Never saw this coming! Not a good combo! Yet I will love this little baby forever, all my dogs are in my heart. My last puppy needs me, my complete devotion, attention, and of course……my love. A complete reciprocation of the kindnesses she has given me over her 14 years. My heart broke the other day when I asked her if life had become like constant ‘nite-nite’ to her; and the response was…well….as Jack-Russell-Like as it could possibly be. While digging that soft head into my hands as they softly petted her, having something happen in the sounds coming from her throat—did that resemble an attempt at speaking a word or two in English? We hear what we want to hear—right?? …..Wait….did I hear her say…..”It’s alright mom, I’m doing ok blind, thanks to you.” Did she just…..Nahhh… must have been my interpretation of the look on her face. God, I wish I could hear her say that so I know that she is really alright with this relatively new dark world, and very life-changing loss of sight.

My heart weeps for her when she gets up from sleeping, and is seemingly lost in her own home. I will find her under a desk, with her face to the wall. Just standing there. What is going through her mind? Where does she picture herself in that amazing minds-eye we all have? (I believe dogs have this also.) She knows where her food and water are. She knows where her bed is, and I am. She knows I am here for her always.

It is time for me to learn how to live without the absolute, pure, unbiased and 100% unconditional love that only a beloved dog can give. (Yet that is not very easy to do while they are still here!) And it is well-known, that dogs and other animals give the Disabled and Chronically Ill a feeling of satisfaction, a lift in the very normal and common Clinical Depression that often accompanies chronic diseases, and they help with an overall feeling of well-being. I’ll miss all of these wonderful feelings my dogs have given me….more than I can write at this time.

I will continue to return this great love to the last puppy that I have had the honor of being given for 14 years. There is not much time left with this ultra sweet, walking-into-walls, semi-confused, standing still in odd places, soft, regal, kind and LOVING brown-eyes-turned-blue dog of mine.

She, and the other beloved dogs I have had, spent so much time not knowing they were helping me with my Chronic Pain. They help take my mind off of it when things are dismal. They, in turn, need to be cared for, and I delight in still being able to brush her, although the bathing has been doctor-ordered to my son; she has helped me deal. DEAL. And I need that unconditional love that only our mothers, fathers, or our dogs are truly able to give us. Mom and dad are gone, and my last baby turned 14……My life flies by, people come and go…..a career cut short……a life seemingly stopped in it’s tracks…..too soon….and my fur person allows me to not concentrate on anything negative, such as my pain. That is HUGE. They have all looked at me with adoring eyes…..

Now she ‘looks’ my way….no longer IN my eyes….that wonderful face still lifts itself to me and asks properly to come up on the recliner; she can no longer jump up like she used to……as easy as a squirrel goes from branch to branch….that’s all behind her now. Wait. Behind US now. She sure has a great appetite, and a huge change in her thirst levels……leads me to try and diagnose like usual,,,,,,before getting to the vet I think she has either Diabetes, or there is more going on inside her, (such as cancer), that I don’t know about. She has had Lupus Erythematosus since birth; it only affects her nose. When she was younger, she was on Steroids daily. I dislike Steroids for both humans and dogs, although I know how wonderful they can be for certain diseases. It is the side effects that we dislike in Steroids. Weight gain, increased thirst, changes in Psychological status and exacerbation of existing mental illnesses, ‘moon face’, ‘buffalo hump’, both describing the accumulation of water in the body when taking Steroids, even at low doses. There is no way I would ever subject my old baby to any therapy like Steroids, or put under for any kind of surgery-----it would not be a good idea at 14. So we plug along…….

Yes. Our walks are slower now…….and I lead the Blind. At least there is a beloved friend I love on the other end of the leash, sighted or not, I adore her……..the day there is no tan, black and white, regal, soft but muscular neck staying very still for me to slip the leash over…..well……

God, please be by my side……on that sad, but nonetheless upcoming fateful day.