When Sleep Is The Only Way Out

Having not posted for awhile now, I find it hard to just jump in and post. There is really no big explanation for this, just a few little items going on around my place. Oh, and a week of pain that has not given me one moment of relief.


Of course there was my medication change. That was attempted and I hung in there like a real trooper for two weeks until I said, "No more!" It was making my head feel fuzzy, my sleep was off and interrupted because I am known to be a night owl, and to have an every 8 hour med; it can get tricky sometimes. And once I'm up, I'm up. Especially if it is early morning, that beautiful time when for just a moment, there is no light, yet there is the thought of it...then moments later the sunrise begins. It never fails to hit me in the heart....a feeling that a new chance in my life is just beginning. Once I can see the homes around me, and the 'real' sunrise is over, life starts. Nothing changes. That new chance for some kind of change, especially in my pain.


I have only tried a medication change twice in the last 5 years. Ironically enough, it was a couple years ago, also in the summer that I attempted a change. It failed big time. I felt what my pain is really like without the help of my main medication. It is unspeakable how strong and horrible that week was. I believe in giving these med changes a try, and it takes more than a few days to see if the new med, or a change in an existing med, will be successful. During these days, comes the strength in me that must be given from God to endure the days of such strong pain.


This medication change was unsuccessful. That alone worries me. What is happening to me now is that it is very hard for me to stand up. Now that scares me. A lot. I woke today to see the face of my son, who was checking on me to see why I was sleeping so long. The moment I woke, he said I asked what day it was, what time it was, then he saw my facial expression chance when I realized the pain. I moved, and let out an odd sounding combination of a scream and a grunt. Sweet son said, "Sometimes when I wake with pain mom, I turn onto my stomach and it really helps." Bless his heart. When I tried that, knowing it was only to cause more pain, (I was doing it for him,) I couldn't even move into that position. Just getting into some kind of sitting position to get out of bed was like climbing a mountain. But a bigger mountain was to be climbed once out of bed. Just getting teeth brushed, (I don't understand why sinks are set so low in homes,) having to bend at the waist and then stand up from that, was a huge mountain. I climbed it, as I do every morning.


My son made coffee and kept me company while I was sitting on the couch with the heating pad. That one place is the only area that I get some type of relief from the deep, stinging pain. He was doing some wash and left the room while I got up and got a cup of coffee. Another mountain. Climbed it, but afraid of falling with each step up the hill.


It is only about 4 minutes that I feel I can stand without assistance. Spilled the coffee as I was picking up the mug from the counter. I had to get back to the couch. It was a very long ten steps today. WHY CAN'T I STAND UP? What is going on inside my spine?? It's been 6 years since my last MRI. I can only imagine what has changed since then. But being on Pain Management now, and for years, they do not want MRI's, unless there is something to be done inside. Like a Morphine pump. After my Spinal Cord Stimulator Trial, and hearing the docs in the OR talk with shock in their voices about the amount of scar tissue and Osteophytes, I wonder now if a Morphine pump could even be implanted!


Something new is going on in my spine. Forget medications for a second. Why is my pain worse, did not respond to the rise in medication, (actually it was worse during that;) and why do I have the Neuropathy that I've had for years now wrapping around the front to the midline, making me feel like a band is around my chest, affecting my breathing, and WHY do I feel so unstable in my spine--that presents itself as not being able to stand???


I am in so much pain as I write this now. I need to stop, and get back to the couch. No amount of meds help today and the past month. I have had to ask my son and roommate to go do errands for me. I am scared. About feeling so weak in my spine, and standing is scary. I feel as if I will just collapse into a little heap. Spineless. Not the way that word is used in other ways. But it is the best word to use to describe my pain and what will happen if I DO FALL!! I am spineless!


Yet why does all the pain that is constantly rising in intensity, length, depth and from morning till night all still revolve around my Thoracic spine?? I want to see a new MRI. I want my doctor to see what exactly is going on; not just treat my symptoms. Yet I know that when a patient gets to Pain Management, the MRI's, CT scans, etc., stop! I had all those, over and over as we tried every damn procedure available to man, and they failed. They all failed. Hence--Pain Management. There is no more surgery, nothing that can 'fix' all the problems that lay before the surgeons. I tried it twice. The second surgery, which ended up being a Costotransversectomy with fusion, foraminotomy and diskectomy, (being known as the 'Big Surgery'), my Neurosurgeon from a very well known University, who also taught Neurosurgery there, began by recommending that I see a doctor in another state; who at the time was the only doctor in the U.S. known to do anterior***(L. Before, or in front,) approaches Endoscopically***(Inspection of body organs or cavities by use of the Endoscope,) for my disc at T9/T10 herniated laterally/anteriorly. After looking over my MRI's, the out of state doctor told my surgeon he could not get at the disc, and perform a fusion Endoscopically, therefore I was not a candidate.

Ahhh to have a couple of band-aid scars on my tummy.....that of course not being the most important issue with my surgeon now having to do the surgery from the back; the post-surgery pain was to be extreme. The morbidity and mortality rates rose many times over. Let's face it--what I underwent was an extremely dangerous surgery. The post-op pain WAS horrid. But I'm here to tell my stories and let others that are in the same boat with Chronic Pain hear me, know you are not alone, you are certainly not alone!!!



My heart goes out to anyone in pain this moment as I type. May you have the strength to manage your pain, even when it seems as if this cycle will never end. I'll say it now, that during the last 6 days of pain from waking-- till sleep that night: on the 5th day I just wanted to sleep the next day away. I had to get up of course, with all that little stuff I mentioned is going on in my life, (SO not little!), but I just wanted to not feel the pain! If sleep is the only way I can get relief, then God, let me sleep.


And today He did.